"Mee Mumbaikar", not because I have been living here for more than 25 years (have just done barely half that number) but because I know Mumbai like the back of my hand... and, if you count all the zillions of hours that I've spent sitting in my car waiting for the damn traffic to move the next 43 inches, and give credit for that as double overtime, I guess I cross that 25 year margin rather comfortably...
All those hours of gazing out of my car windows have gone into watching "Life In A Metro".....
- painted toe nails, colorful shoes,
- people spitting pan out of buses, cars, bikes, cycles the works,
- happy young couples in the back seats of taxis doing things that middle aged married couples wouldn't in their bedrooms while the taxi driver wears a look of utter stoicism on his face....
- A young man, obviously on Vijay Mallya's stuff, step out of his car in the middle of one of the absolutely worst-est traffic jams at Everard Nagar and do an impromptu Bollywood dance number while his slightly more sober friends watched with irritation - he was GOOD, I swear
- drivers, people like you and me, displaying road rage and stepping out of their cars and engaging in a display of vocabulary that is at once entertaining as well as "enrichingly colorful",
- cops doing their unholy thing
- Ambulances incing their way through the worst possible snarls while patients inside possibly knocking on Heaven's Pearly Gates and saying "Hello" to St Peter or Chitragupta...
- BEST buses, in the same horrible traffic, beautifully honking and smoothly sailing past cars, bikes etc, for all practical purposes behaving like a two wheeler.....
Mumbai's roads are built with a recipe that will make a Tarla Dalal blush...
Ingredients Required:
- A mindless BMC bureaucrat
- A corrupt Corporator (any variety - Congress, BJP, Sena, etc)
- A smattering of corrupt contractors
- An apathetic citizenry
- Labourers - women, usually from outside Maharashtra, around 50, required to work.
- "Supervisors" - men, from the same general locality as item 5 above, around 4 or 5, required to stand around wearing hard hats (and hard o*s, as they ogle at "item" 5 above)
- Pieces of dysfunctional machinery.
- Several "Men at Work" signs, partially faded and totally untruthful.
- "Scaffolding/Partition sheets" that are around slightly over shoulder height - to give "lip service" to court injunctions.
- Complete absence of supervision by the engineers concerned.
Procedure to be followed:
- Identify a perfectly fine, functional road with smooth traffic.
- Dig it up, taking as much time as possible, using dysfunctional machinery, hard working labourers and self indulgent supervisors. Note, carefully, contractor is expected to be conspicuously absent.
- Once the road has been dug up badly, leave it to marinade for 3 weeks. Contractor is consistent in remaining absent and/or absconding (in all probability reacting chemically with Item 2 of "Ingredients Required")
- Pray to the Gods for rain so that the inconvenience can be raised manifold times "n"
- Apathetic citizenry are now permitted to curse, grumble, scowl, argue and get into heated debates - this process can be initiated at any point from Step 2 onward and can continue without end.
- After a good 3 - 4 weeks of citizenry mumbling/grumbling and reaching boiling point (note: this stage will be characterised by strongly worded protest letters in various "Letters to Editor" columns, TV News Channels, RTI applications) contractor will make a physical appearance.
- Heightened activity - even "Supervisors" begin to show some movement, usually characterised by barking orders at already working women, creating an audible sense of activity, a smokescreen that may be mistaken for work.
- "Men at Work" signs get a fresh coat of paint.
- Dysfunctional machinery get temporarily repaired, drums of bitumen are poured into open furnaces, black smoke and soot interact with pedestrians, bikers, bus passengers, etc in a secular manner treating all alike regardless of caste, creed, sex etc. (Note: apathetic citizens inside air-conditioned cars/buses remain relatively isolated from this mess as usual)
- Asphalt is carefully laid, ensuring that there is no level ground. Concave patters are discernible on Day 1, second half, truly the work of a master contractor.
- In few cases, the road is actually made of concrete - longer lasting (the inconvenience to apathetic citizens, I mean - not the road itself)
- If road = concrete, 3 more weeks of marinading the newly laid surface in water, a process called "curing".
- During "curing" (mark the difference in the pronunciation of the 2 similar spelled words) "labourers" may be observed indulging in activities such as bathing, nursing tiny toddlers, etc. Mark the heightened state of inactivity of supervisors during this stage as they stay frozen, watching labourers activities. This period is extremely important, to generate more tiny toddlers for the next project.
- Slowly the "lip service" height scaffolding is removed (this has served a dual role - a lip service shade/shelter for Item No 5 to perform their ablutions with a modicum of privacy). The newly raid road begins to appear.
- Fully 4 months after the 2 week long project commenced, citizens breathe (not soot, grime or dust) a sigh of relief. 2 minute journeys that used to take 40 minutes now revert back to 2 minutes.This blissful period lasts for 3 weeks.
- By the end of the 3rd week an entirely unnecessary and redundant traffic light appears. 2 minutes journey now becomes 5 minutes, and then slowly expands. Apathetic citizenry mumble, grumble and curse. And finally get used to it. (This is an important stage, it keeps recurring)
- Around 29 - 38 days after the road is opened, Procedure No 1 is repeated, to be followed by Procedure Nos 2 to 16. Again, and again, in a virtuous cycle.
As a result, I have a fairly automatic understanding of which potholes, caused by either perfectly concave asphalt roads poorly laid - or, concrete roads, dug up again and again - with "temporary repairs" using that wonderful device called paver blocks - I now know which are the "best potholes" on Mumbai's roads.
However, let's make this interesting - I'm inviting nominations from you. Which, in your opinion, is the "best pothole" in amchi Mumbai? Early bird prizes to be won (a free ride over that pothole, in my suspension damaged - but airconditioned - car, a bone jarring ride at the highest possible speed of 10 kmph!)
Write in, soon. Before another, bigger, better, newer pothole is created!
Sats
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