Smart, Dumb & Dumber...

This is somewhat like that Birbal - Akbar story.... how do you make one line smaller without even touching it? 

So, you start off with the not too unreasonable assumption that you are smart. Intelligent even. I mean, all those IQ tests that you used to take had all "certified" you as near level genius if not actually genius. Ah, so what does it matter if you're not a card holding Mensa member, that is merely a non-issue, no? Anyway, the couple of times one tried calling up the Mensa chapter in Mumbai, one was unable to get past the substitute watchdog at the other end...

So, how does one make a person who has an IQ upwards of 138, look dumb, dumber and more?

Zimble... get the guy a "smartphone"! Easy peasy, in the blink of an eye, just as all of Akbar's ministers and courtiers (and couturiers, too, eh, what?) looked on with amazement when Birbal drew a longer line alongside, there I was, a few months back, at an electronics store, having just paid for a phone that, eventually, proved to be a lot "smarter" than I bargained for...

Not being too technologically proficient - a fact that the sales attendant quickly cottoned on to - I had to ask that kindly, helpful soul to "install" my contacts from the old phone, configure my e-mail settings etc. Which he did. In a jiffy. ("Phantom faster than the eye can see" kind of jiffy...) While I looked on, pretending to know all that he was talking about. 

Then, for good measure, since the phone had a 5 mp camera, I clicked the wife - big smile, bigger eyes. Not to be outdone, aforesaid kindly helpful soul offered to click "both the two of us" and we posed, side (self) by bashful side (spouse), beaming at the camera. And, with a final thank you, we left the store... and then began the process of discovery of dumbness...

I checked "gallery" to take yet another look at the photo that k.h.s had clicked.... to my clear & certain knowledge, there ought to have been TWO photos. One taken by me and the second taken by k.h.s....and, discovered, to my complete and total astonishment upwards of 900 photos in that "gallery". How the heck? I mean WHAT the heck?!! Pictures of my, my friends, family, etc that were taken months, even years earlier.... that LOOK on my face set the wife off in alarm. "What happened, what happened, whathappened, whathappenedwhathappenedwhatwhatwhatwhat....?" kind of alarm.... if you're married and if you're a male, you know what I mean... so, I showed her the pictures, and you know what? She was DELIGHTED. Where I was baffled, she was absolutely out of her mind with the sheer joy of seeing so many many photos and, eyes wider than usual, she was exclaiming in joy. Till I pointed out to her THE question - HOW did these pictures come to reside in the phone that is less than 15 minutes old??? THEN her mouth opened, as wide as her eyes, as she "understood" the source of my dumbstruck look. Dumb Lesson No: 1.

Lesson No: 2 followed almost instantly thereafter. Seeking to scroll through my contacts book I discovered names of long forgotten people, people whose details were most certainly NOT existing on the phone that I was using a mere 20 minutes ago. I know this to be true. I checked. And double checked. There were names on my smart phone, along with e-mail addresses, telephone numbers etc, that were not there on my other phone. Shaking my head in bafflement, I decided to give my aching head a rest for some time.

It was later, sometime the next day, that I realised what had happened...... and we shall leave that there. Why spoil the "mystery" for potential smart phone buyers?

In the months since, my smartphone continues to perversely display its superiority over me. In a multitude of ways. 

• The "battery power meter" in "settings" alternate, wilfully, mischievously and with malice, wildly fluctuating from 99% to 14% back to 43% to 71% etc all in the course of an hour. I have no clue why this happens. All I know is, like some pagan tribal who goes around wearing charms and amulets to ward off imminent attacks, I now go around carrying my damn charger at all times, ready to plug in whenever, wherever.... the moment I do, battery display shows 99%!
• Having "discovered" an application called "Maps" I search for a route between Chembur and Dadar.... not that I needed to know, but still.... just for the heck of it. My phone, perhaps knowing that I was trying to pull a fast one, did the next best thing. The screen informed me that I was at Bandra, when, in fact, I was actually at Chembur. Bandra, a good distance away, left me bamboozled! Lesson learnt, never try to pull a fast one, on your phone. You simply ain't equipped to deal with the repercussions!
• Every now and again I am "informed" that I now have some random number (could be 41, or 273, or 55 or any goddamn integer) of photos that are ready for back-up and/or sharing. 
• My "Gallery" has several folders, none of which were created by me. Some of them are capable of being deleted. Some aren't. And, well, duh, this stands to reason too..... the ones that cannot be deleted are the ones that you really, totally, truly want to delete! And there they reside, permanently, like Dracula, unkillable, undeleteable, eternal, everlasting...

I could go on, and on.... but shall end with just this plaintive cry - does anyone know what the hell is the significance of that folder "My Education"? My education would, perhaps, be complete then.